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 Sorry about this one.... had to share it.

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Big Lloyd
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Number of posts : 103
Age : 53
Home City : East Hertfordshire UK
Model and year : 1994 sc 2.4td
Registration date : 2007-12-07

PostSubject: Sorry about this one.... had to share it.   Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:07 pm

TWO COWS ....

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to
buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment,
which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5
times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk
under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that
is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to
carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos,
which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool
from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved)
trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to
mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training
course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. You sell your
milk to the supermarket chain that pays you f**k all for it, and then they
sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they
release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British
Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows
know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention
of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries
don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows
to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank'
and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny
and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a
National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health
improves and you live to be a hundred.




I know it has nothing to do with SC's but I thought it was good and you may like it
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Big Lloyd
Been here a while
Been here a while
avatar

Number of posts : 103
Age : 53
Home City : East Hertfordshire UK
Model and year : 1994 sc 2.4td
Registration date : 2007-12-07

PostSubject: Re: Sorry about this one.... had to share it.   Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:18 pm

AND THIS....................


The letter to the bank shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.)
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Sorry about this one.... had to share it.
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